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It’s Thanksgiving week, which brings back memories of what you learned in school about the first Thanksgiving, where pilgrim settlers and natives gathered in peace to eat food, debate about who the land belonged to, and watch the Macy’s parade. But what about the things they didn’t teach you in school?
The Babylon Bee is here to fill in the gaps left by the things public school won’t tell you about the first Thanksgiving:
- The Patriots defeated the Redskins 42-3 in the first Thanksgiving Day football game: It was just the first of what would be many slaughters.
- The turkey was carved by none other than a young Joe Biden: Historian accounts tell of how young Joe enjoyed sniffing the hair of young Indian girls.
- Even though they were starving, the pilgrims politely passed on the Indians’ marshmallow jello salad: There are fates worse than death.
- French settlers in Canada got the date wrong and accidentally celebrated a month early: A tradition that continues to this day.
- Pilgrim wives rushed off following the meal to get doorbuster deals at Kohl’s: Bonnets and shoes with large silver buckles on them were going for half price.
- Indians were suspicious of the hot dish labeled “smallpox”: One Indian did politely end up taking some of it home, though no one is sure what happened after that.
- Scandal erupted after it was revealed that the pilgrims’ potato salad was store-bought: The tell-tale clear plastic clamshell container was reportedly found in the trash can.
- Several pilgrims still ended up dying of starvation after they got tired of eating leftover turkey sandwiches: Even the hungry can only eat so much turkey.
- The holiday was later named for the man who came up with the idea, Bob Thanksgiving: And for Bob, we are all truly thankful.
Your public school education may have robbed you of this valuable knowledge, but now you know the whole story. What other little-known facts about the first Thanksgiving have you heard about? Post them in the comments below.