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U.S. — Donald Trump has defeated Kamala Harris to become the next president of the United States, proving once and for all that Americans are ready to unburden themselves from what has been.
Sources say the unburdening could lead to unprecedented levels of imagining what can be.
“Kamala was a huge burden, but now it’s time for us to be unburdened, more unburdened than ever before,” Donald Trump said as he addressed crowds at the Palm Beach Convention Center. “She was so terrible. But now she’s gone. She’s a ‘has-been.’ So sad. Maybe she can work at McDonald’s now.”
His supporters roared in approval, hanging onto every word as Trump reminded them of his plans for the first 100 days in office now that the nation has been unburdened from Kamala’s glaring incompetence.
Sources within the Trump campaign say the president wasn’t nervous at all leading up to the election thanks in part to his new spiritual advisors Joe Rogan and Elon Musk. Instead of panicking, Trump reportedly spent most days working on his golf game in between campaign stops and owning libs on Twitter.
At publishing time, Trump’s new efficiency advisor Ron Paul encouraged the nation to imagine what could be if there were no Federal Reserve.