WORLD — Leading theologians have uncovered new evidence that when Noah’s ark hit Mount Ararat, his wife was likely steering.

Naamah, daughter of Lamech, is traditionally considered to be Noah’s wife, and all historical evidence seems to indicate that she was to blame for the famed vessel violently crashing into the tip of a mountain.

“After studying several extra-biblical ancient texts and consulting Jewish historians, it now seems Noah’s stop on the top of Mount Ararat was completely unplanned, and totally his wife’s fault,” said biblical scholar Dr. Benjamin Abelman. “Every ancient source we currently possess now points to this as being the case.”

“Also, she was a woman, so, you know, what more evidence do you need?”

Several newly uncovered sources say Noah’s wife had offered to steer the ark for a while so Noah could catch some sleep, but she soon got distracted with her makeup and forgot what all the knobs and levers did. “Any woman in her position probably would have done the same thing,” said Abelman. “He he. Typical, am I right?”

At publishing time, several conflicting records indicated Noah’s wife may have landed the ark on the mountain intentionally, as there was a leak in the hull that Noah had been promising to fix for 3 weeks and he still hadn’t gotten around to it.

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In Other News…….

Karine Jean-Pierre Insists Joe Biden Is Cancer-Free

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the shocking announcement that he was suffering from stage 4 prostate cancer, former White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre insisted that Joe Biden was 100% cancer-free.

Jean-Pierre assured the American people that the cancer-riddled former president had received a clean bill of health and that, despite Biden suffering from metastatic cancer, it in no way meant that he was suffering from metastatic cancer.

“He is as fit, healthy, and free of cancer as I’ve ever seen him,” she told reporters. “I know there are a lot of reports going around today about President Biden’s health, but I want to be perfectly clear about this. Being diagnosed with cancer does not mean what everyone thinks it means. It means he has cancer, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he has cancer. Having cancer and having cancer are two very different things. And while President Biden has cancer, I can assure everyone that he is cancer-free.”

Questions have been raised about the timing of Biden’s diagnosis, with many people, including doctors, expressing the belief that administration officials have known for some time and kept it from the public. “That would be ridiculous,” Jean-Pierre said in response. “We had the most transparent administration in this nation’s history. We were completely up front about everything, even the things we covered up and kept hidden from everyone.”

At publishing time, Jean-Pierre notified the media that even though Biden had passed away shortly before the 2020 election, he still went down in history books as the only man to posthumously win an election, serve a full term as president, and be diagnosed with cancer.