North Carolina Asks Zelensky For $100 Billion In U.S. Funding

RALEIGH, NC — With civilians working hard to rescue their neighbors along the path of devastation left behind by Hurricane Helene and FEMA revealing a lack of available money, the state of North Carolina asked Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky for $100 Billion in U.S. funding.

Though President Biden approved North Carolina’s request for federal disaster relief, uncertainty about the timetable for receiving funds amid various obstacles and bureaucratic red tape, the state’s officials decided to go directly to the man with more U.S. taxpayer dollars than anyone else.

“He’s the man with the money,” said North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper. “I have a lot of faith in the Biden administration to provide us with help, but we simply can’t afford to wait around while the federal government drags its feet. If we want the level of U.S. funding we need to help with relief efforts, we need to go where all the money is. I knew I had to get Zelensky on the phone right away.”

A source within the Ukrainian government disclosed that it may be difficult to come up with the amount of funding North Carolina needs. “We would be happy to help,” the source said. “We just need to figure out where all the money went. There’s been so much of it over the last few years that it’s hard to keep track of it. North Carolina can be sure that we will get back to them as soon as we can.”

At publishing time, North Carolina had sent an urgent plea to the Taliban asking if it had any spare U.S. military helicopters it could have to help rescue hurricane victims.